Last week at the StartingBloc Institute, I was talking to a new friend about life, love and the pursuit of our passions.
We were partnered up for a brief “get to know you” exercise that used questions like, “What’s a dream you’ve always had that you haven’t done yet?” to prompt the conversation.
Like most interactions in this this five-day fellowship, we had taken the conversation deeper and talked about other fears and desires we had and what obstacles were in the way.
She told me that despite being very focused on her career and having big plans for the future, she also struggled with finding the right partner in life.
“I have a strong personality and sometimes guys seemed threatened by that,” she said. “But I can’t change who I am.”
It immediately reminded me of a concept I see in often in other arenas of life.
I broke it down for her:
“Let me tell you about the Three Levels of Confidence. See, a lot of times I see women with strong or dominant personalities end up with men that are more submissive, because that seems to be a match at first. But I think that can be problematic because don’t you want someone who challenges you a little bit? Who pushes you to be better? Someone who can meet you on your level?”
Her eyes lit up and she agreed.
“So you are finding guys on this second level and what I think you need is someone on the third level — someone who is confident enough in himself to let you be your strong, passionate self without feeling threatened by it. You need someone who has that quiet confidence whose ego doesn’t require him to have to prove himself.”
To me, the Three Levels of Confidence are most evident in fighting or self-defense.
The Level One people have no knowledge and therefore no confidence, so they generally won’t engage. This can be problematic if they are ever in a situation where they need to or want to engage but aren’t able to. It can allow them to be walked all over, time and time again.
The people at Level Two can be dangerous. These people know just enough to get in themselves into trouble. They have some knowledge and skills. There’s a big jolt of confidence, because they know they can dominate some people (Level Ones). But they still have a long way to go, whether they can recognize that or not, and they are new to these skills, knowledge, and confidence, so they feel like they must prove themselves to the world.
Then, you have the masters, the black belts, the Level Threes. Most of the time these people are non-aggressive and that’s because of a few reasons. First, they know not to anticipate anything or prejudge someone. They know they don’t know their opponent and what he or she is capable of, so this makes them sit back with confidence, knowing their own skills and observe the situation before jumping into it too quickly — like the Level Two might.
Secondly, they know discipline. They’ve learned that the goal is self-defense and fighting is never the objective. They use their skills if, and only if, they are forced to. Lastly, they have most likely trained for years to make it to that level, so their confidence is a quiet confidence. They don’t need to prove themselves to feel that jolt to their egos. They know they can handle themselves and focus on losing the ego instead of gaining it.
They know, as well all should, how ego can lead them into dangerous situations.
A more mental example of the Three Levels of Confidence is with knowledge or intelligence.
An ignorant person often (often, not always) knows when they are outmatched and usually won’t engage in debates with others that they know are smarter than them. Or, they simply can’t compete even if they try, so they get walked all over by anyone that has read a few books.
That person is clearly Level One.
Again, the Level Twos cause the most chaos. These are the people that have some knowledge as well as the ambition and interest to pursue knowledge. We all know these people. They’ve read a few books and they will let you know about it. They are the ones who constantly engage in debates on Facebook and are ostensibly experts in several fields just because they have a little knowledge and a lot of opinions. They will argue any point in lengthy paragraphs (all day long, somehow) as if it is fact that could never be refuted. Bless their hearts.
Then, we have our masters — our people that are actually smart. Our Level Threes.
Lao Tzu once said, “The wise man is one who, knows, what he does not know.”
The key word is wise, here. Usually these people are a bit older, but it’s really that they are more experienced, which typically comes with age. They’ve been around and seen enough to know that none of us knows everything. The world is constantly changing and being manipulated and the best we can do is to constantly be observing, seeking knowledge from various sources instead of just one, and striving to learn all we can instead of prove all we know.
This quiet confidence allows them to listen more than they talk.
These people might engage in debates, but it’s because their purpose is to genuinely find out what is right, not who is right. They are on a quest to learn more and that’s because they are smart enough to be aware of everything they don’t know, instead of fighting to show what they do know. That ego has been gone a long time for them, so they have much more clarity.
My friend and I high-fived and I saw in her head that she understood what I was saying.
She seemed to be stuck dating Level Twos — being attracted to them but not feeling like she could be herself. Now, she knew that what she needed was someone with that quiet confidence of a Level Three.
But most importantly, in that moment, it seemed like she promised herself not to rush into anything with someone who didn’t make her feel like the person she felt like she could be. And instead of trying to fill that spot in her life with any-ol-body, she spent the rest of the week planning out her dream to open a coworking space for artists in her hometown.
She had the quiet confidence to know that the right person for her would appear at the right time, but in the meantime to keep striving to learn and grow on her own journey.
Picture via Bryce Evans
Rain Bennett is a two time Emmy-nominated filmmaker, fitness professional, public speaker, and writer. His mission is simple: to help people realize that they too can be great, no matter where they come from or what they start with. It just takes passion, persistence, and a plan.
Bennett directed and produced his first feature length documentary in true indie fashion by traveling the world with only a backpack and a Canon DSLR camera. That film, Raise Up: The World is Our Gym won “Best of the Fest” at the Hip Hop Film Festival NYC and received global distribution through Red Bull Media House. He’s been featured in publications like Men’s Health and Sports Business Global and is a regular contributor to Breaking Muscle. When he’s not making movies or training clients at Sync Studio in Durham, he’s hosting a new webseries called The Perfect Workout Show.
