Now Beer This: Beer Humbug! My Beer-Related Pet Peeves

I get all crotchety during this time of year. All of the forced cheeriness and murdering of trees for decoration — “destroyers and usurpers!” as Treebeard would say. I normally write a lot about what I like about craft beer and the beer world, but today, Mr. E-beer-neezer Scrooge is going to let you know what drives him bananas about the beer and bar world.

Pumpkin Beers

Just stop. They’re generally not good, so just stop. But if you must do them, calm down with the spices already. Less is more. Try subtlety for once.

Imperial Gose

I don’t think you know what words mean. That’s not a thing. If you make it higher than 4%, it’s not a gose anymore, it’s just a plain old sour beer.

Faucets* in my Beer

UGH! If you are a bartender, read this over and over again: Your nasty faucet does not belong in my beer. If I see you pour me a beer and the faucet goes into my beer, I’m making you do it again. That thing hangs out all day (and night if you’re not cleaning it) with beer dripping on it, collecting bacteria, and I just don’t want anymore of that in my beer than is necessary. The exception to this is a beer engine with a sparkler. That’s fine and appropriate.

*You might refer to this as a tap, and that’s fine. But it’s a bloody faucet. See, it says “faucet.” So shut up.

Frozen Glasses

Your stupid frozen glass makes my beer foam more than necessary. I know you mean well, but you should just have your cooler set at the right temperature — then you don’t need to freeze anything. Not to mention that this makes it infinitely more likely that I’ll drop the glass and feel like a ding dong. Not. Freakin’. Necessary. Regular glasses, please. Chilled, if you must.

Fruit in Beer

Look, if you’re brewing with fruit, that’s dope. More power to you. But fruit as a garnish in is absolutely not necessary. I want to taste the beer. If the beer’s bad, putting a piece of sad, wis -hour old lime slice isn’t going to make it better. It’s like lighting a candle after a fart. Great, now I smell fart and sulphur. Thank you. Stop it.

“Ultra” and Low Calorie Beers

If you have a medical condition that keeps you from drinking regular beer, I am really glad these things exist for you so you can at least have some modicum of beverage pleasure. But let’s be clear: These things are barely on the border of beer and one might say they just aren’t beers. Beer is about flavor, which these things do not have whatsoever. People who are drinking them just need to transition to Smirnoff Ice and be done with it. Or better yet, have a nice Scotch or Irish Whiskey, or Bourbon if you must. Try some flavor! Your low cal beers are flavorless and therefore pointless.

“Malt Backbone” and “Smooth”

I get it. If you want to talk about/write about beer, you have to use a certain vocabulary to make it sound like you know your stuff. Fine. But I will tell you this: If you use the phrase “malt backbone” or “smooth” when describing a beer that tells me you just don’t have any other words to use. It’s like answering a kid’s question with “Is that right?” when you’re trying to ignore them. You’re saying “malt backbone” because you saw it somewhere else. When you say “smooth” you sound like Billy Dee Williams trying to sell me cigarettes. It’s just empty noise so stop saying these things

I could, literally, do this forever. But I’ve vented now and feel a little better. Now I’m going to go throw some Mich Ultras at some carolers.

‹

Now Beer This: A Wicked and Pernicious Weed

There’s a myth that one or more Kings of England referred to hops as “a wicked and pernicious weed,” which isn’t true, but it sounds really good and people who love hops — such as myself — enjoy sniggering at it. Beginning in the High Middle Ages in England, there was a distinction between ale […]

Now Beer This: Beautiful Bitters

Don’t like IPAs? Let’s talk about it. Full disclosure: The India Pale Ale, in general, is my favorite beer style. I love the aroma and taste of hops, from spice, to grass, to dried wood, to pine, to fruit. I love the way the juice of the barley balances out, but just can’t quite keep […]

Now Beer This: Best Brewery Ever, as of Right Now

Best brewery ever, this week, as of right now. What is it, you ask? What’s tingling my taste buds as of late? Well, taste is subjective, and transitory. What I’m stoked about right now my be totally different from what tickles my knickers next week. So don’t @ me about my opinion when I tell […]

Now Beer This: Differentiating Between Ales and Lagers

What makes Ales “Ales” and Lagers “Lagers?” When people find out I’m a Professor of Beer-ology, I almost always get this question from them. It’s a great question, and I’m happy to answer it. I can give you a short answer, but the long answer is SOOOOOO much more informative, and helps you to understand […]

Now Beer This: What In The Hell Are You Drinking?

I gotta admit, I’m more than a little proud of that clever title. I have had the pleasure of stocking a bottle shop recently — Craftboro Brewing Depot, specifically (it’s a brewery too, go check it out) — and I wanted to make sure we had interesting, but not easily encountered, international beers that were […]

Now Beer This: A Lesson in Sessions

A Lesson in Sessions: Let’s Pick a Go-To Session IPA! If you’re not already familiar with the term “session” beer, then you should be. This moniker refers to beers — most often IPAs, because that’s the best beer style in the world — that have a lower ABV content (less than five percent) so you […]

Now Beer This: Beer-Related Travel Bragging

Maybe it’s poor form for me to tell you I got to go somewhere really cool and try some unusual, delightful and rare beers – but don’t think of it as travel bragging. Think of it as me sharing my experiences in the international craft beer world for your enjoyment. There! Isn’t that better? Last […]

Now Beer This: What in the Hops?

Sweet, salty, sour, bitter, savory — or umami, if you’re a person well-versed in tastes — are the building blocks of how human tongues interpret flavor. Those five aspects combine to create larger impressions of what we put in our mouth, and for obvious reasons: side-by-side with our sense of smell, taste has historically informed us […]

Now Beer This: Drink Your Wheat-ies!

Lots of beer you run into, particularly in the craft beer world, is going to have a grain bill exclusively consisting of malted barley. There are several beers, though, that incorporate other grains. Your favorite American Industrial Lagers use rice and corn, which don’t do much for flavor, but they get the job done (a […]

Now Beer This: What's With All The Beer?

What’s with all of this beer now? You’ve seen it. You go down the aisles of your grocery store, you hit the beer aisle with its glowing refrigerated cases, seeking out your go-to beverage, and… “What the what!?!” Instead of 10 craft beer options hanging out in a corner down from the rows and rows of […]

›