Now Beer This: Beer Humbug! My Beer-Related Pet Peeves

I get all crotchety during this time of year. All of the forced cheeriness and murdering of trees for decoration — “destroyers and usurpers!” as Treebeard would say. I normally write a lot about what I like about craft beer and the beer world, but today, Mr. E-beer-neezer Scrooge is going to let you know what drives him bananas about the beer and bar world.

Pumpkin Beers

Just stop. They’re generally not good, so just stop. But if you must do them, calm down with the spices already. Less is more. Try subtlety for once.

Imperial Gose

I don’t think you know what words mean. That’s not a thing. If you make it higher than 4%, it’s not a gose anymore, it’s just a plain old sour beer.

Faucets* in my Beer

UGH! If you are a bartender, read this over and over again: Your nasty faucet does not belong in my beer. If I see you pour me a beer and the faucet goes into my beer, I’m making you do it again. That thing hangs out all day (and night if you’re not cleaning it) with beer dripping on it, collecting bacteria, and I just don’t want anymore of that in my beer than is necessary. The exception to this is a beer engine with a sparkler. That’s fine and appropriate.

*You might refer to this as a tap, and that’s fine. But it’s a bloody faucet. See, it says “faucet.” So shut up.

Frozen Glasses

Your stupid frozen glass makes my beer foam more than necessary. I know you mean well, but you should just have your cooler set at the right temperature — then you don’t need to freeze anything. Not to mention that this makes it infinitely more likely that I’ll drop the glass and feel like a ding dong. Not. Freakin’. Necessary. Regular glasses, please. Chilled, if you must.

Fruit in Beer

Look, if you’re brewing with fruit, that’s dope. More power to you. But fruit as a garnish in is absolutely not necessary. I want to taste the beer. If the beer’s bad, putting a piece of sad, wis -hour old lime slice isn’t going to make it better. It’s like lighting a candle after a fart. Great, now I smell fart and sulphur. Thank you. Stop it.

“Ultra” and Low Calorie Beers

If you have a medical condition that keeps you from drinking regular beer, I am really glad these things exist for you so you can at least have some modicum of beverage pleasure. But let’s be clear: These things are barely on the border of beer and one might say they just aren’t beers. Beer is about flavor, which these things do not have whatsoever. People who are drinking them just need to transition to Smirnoff Ice and be done with it. Or better yet, have a nice Scotch or Irish Whiskey, or Bourbon if you must. Try some flavor! Your low cal beers are flavorless and therefore pointless.

“Malt Backbone” and “Smooth”

I get it. If you want to talk about/write about beer, you have to use a certain vocabulary to make it sound like you know your stuff. Fine. But I will tell you this: If you use the phrase “malt backbone” or “smooth” when describing a beer that tells me you just don’t have any other words to use. It’s like answering a kid’s question with “Is that right?” when you’re trying to ignore them. You’re saying “malt backbone” because you saw it somewhere else. When you say “smooth” you sound like Billy Dee Williams trying to sell me cigarettes. It’s just empty noise so stop saying these things

I could, literally, do this forever. But I’ve vented now and feel a little better. Now I’m going to go throw some Mich Ultras at some carolers.