On February 14th at exactly 2:34 p.m., Jim Sailors fell in love with Katy Morris. Jim was looking for the most recent Green Lantern comic book when Katy walked into the five-and-dime wearing a light blue sweater with a matching bow in her flowing, auburn hair. Jim could barely breathe when she looked at him with her beautiful brown eyes and smiled a perfect smile. “Do you know where I can find the Band-Aids?” she asked in a lilting voice. Jim personally ushered her down the store aisle and eventually down the church aisle. After 52 years of marriage, Jim will say that her beauty still takes his breath away.
Anyone who has been in a relationship can read between the lines of this narrative. They know that 52 years of marriage were not built on a blue sweater and a perfect smile. 52 years of marriage are built on Jim and Katy ignoring the other’s shortcomings and maintaining a laser-like focus on the other’s good qualities. 52 years are built on nurturing the other’s dreams and receiving that nurturing as well. 52 years are built on a commitment to marriage even when, at times, they may not feel committed to each other.
When we fall in love initially, part of what we fall in love with is how the other person sees us. We like the way they see us as beautiful, funny, smart, successful, and abundant in many desirable qualities. We love how they make us feel about ourselves.
If you want to have 52 heartwarming Valentine’s Days, then you will be making a choice. The choice will be to focus and nurture only those qualities you want to see in your spouse – within reason. This is the method to marital bliss. Anyone can pick apart another, but it takes a strong person to keep focused on the good. Two strong people equal a strong marriage and/or partnership. It’s that simple.
Let’s revisit “within reason” – this is a lot harder than it sounds. Everyone has a different bar for what is reasonable. Putting politics aside, Bill and Hillary Clinton have an interesting marriage. I use them because their marriage is so public and controversial. Al and Tipper Gore had, what appeared to be a fairy tale relationship. The had public displays of affection for goodness sake. They also divorced. Bill cheated on Hillary, publicly humiliating her. He was impeached because of his behavior. For Hillary, this behavior was “within reason.” Bill nurtured her dreams. He campaigned all over the nation for Hillary, and she for him. Their actions signified that they supported in each other’s dreams. Infidelity is big stuff; many marriages end with it. Having a partner who believes in and supports your dreams is also big stuff. The Clinton’s, Bush’s, Obama’s, and Trump’s marriages all reflect their values. Your partnership will reflect your values. Only you can only judge what is reasonable to you in a relationship. Only you decide what really matters.
Real relationships are much bigger than romance. They are about two people walking through life, falling down, picking each other up, and losing and finding themselves. They are about forgiveness and recognizing it the journey of two souls learning how to be their best selves.
If your goal is to have 52 blissful Valentine’s Day, put on rose colored glasses and never take them off.
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