I’m an alpha male.
And if that sentence made you cringe, don’t worry. It made me, too.
But it’s a fact. Sure, I’m multidimensional and a layered human being, but I’m athletic, assertive, aggressive, ambitious, and all the other “As” out there.
I like to be in charge. I’m firm in my constitution. I like to use brute force over strategy. I like to win any challenge or competition I’m in, even if it’s not really a competition. You get the picture.
And even though there’s a saying that “a real alpha doesn’t have to call himself an alpha” — and trust me before today, I haven’t gone around saying this — I don’t think there’s any hiding from it.
But, there’s a lot of darkness that comes along with so-called alpha males.
Like my father, it could look like (at best) not allowing your wife to out earn you, or (at worst) being abusive. It could also be dominating a group work project, yelling and screaming when upset, interrupting someone else’s thoughts, getting into frequent physical altercations, and so many other toxic behaviors corrosive to our collective growth, success, and happiness.
Nowadays I see guys commenting on any other man’s post that may contradict their thoughts of what’s “manly” with some demeaning comment like, “Seems pretty beta to me.” Like if someone spoke out about men creeping on women in the gym, it somehow makes them a beta male.
I even had some guy call me a simp because after Biden won the presidency, I (a man raising a biracial daughter) wrote “YES!” in response to Amanda Goetz’s tweet:
“My daughter just asked if this means she can run for President?
Before I said “yes” with apprehension.
Today I say “yes” with confidence.
The first. Not the last. #KamalaHarrisVP”
A simp if you don’t know, is “a slang insult for men who are seen as too attentive and submissive to women, especially out of a failed hope of winning some entitled sexual attention or activity from them.”
So apparently, I must have been trying to pay so much attention to Amanda and show her so sympathy in the hopes of sleeping with her in order to agree that the first female Vice President might be inspiring to our daughters.
These are the types of behaviors that contribute to systemic toxic masculinity.
But masculinity itself isn’t inherently toxic.
At least not to me.
Because most of the issues causing those “alpha” reactions are not alpha at all. They stem from insecurity, ego, imposter syndrome, self doubt, self hate, and the like.
No man comfortable in his own masculinity, or even secure in his own humanity, would feel the need to put someone else down to make himself feel better. If you’re actually strong, you don’t need to step on people to feel stronger. If you’re actually happy, you don’t need to make others feel like shit in order to maintain that happiness. And if you’re actually confident in your thoughts, you don’t need to degrade someone else’s to prove you’re right.
That’s not alpha, bro.
Alpha is standing up for the little guy. Alpha is being willing to listen and learn because there might be a better way. Alpha is having the courage to be vulnerable because it actually lets you become a better person (I mean, being alpha is all about succeeding, right?).
The problem is that men are hurting.
And we’ve had this terrible thought pattern for way too long that talking about feelings, or being connected to our hearts, or sympathizing and empathizing with others is somehow weak.
It’s not.
If you’re so rigid that any resistance to your belief system causes you to break, you’re weak.
But if you are open and vulnerable and willing to face the consequences that come with that, you’re brave. If you’re seeking ways to adapt and adjust so that you find the right way and don’t just force your way, you’re a real leader.
And if you’re manly enough to take pictures with pretty flowers without being afraid of being labeled beta, or simp, or feminine, well that’s the most alpha of all.
Gender norms are being broken down right now and I’m here for it.
But there are still men out there that identify with those “masculine” qualities that have historically been associated with strength, success, and survival, while simultaneously being compassionate and caring for others, willing to embrace their own flaws, and living a heart-centered life.
Those are the vulnerable alpha males.
And I am one of them.
Rain Bennett is a two-time Emmy-nominated filmmaker, writer, and competitive storyteller with over a decade of experience producing documentary films that focus on health and wellness. His mission is simple: to make the world happier and healthier by sharing stories of change.
You can read the rest of “Right as Rain” here, and check back every Wednesday on Chapelboro for a new column!
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