Dear Sourpuss: Tools, Tardiness and Toilet Paper

Introducing Chapelboro’s pessimistic pussycat! Can’t choose what color to paint your house? Or what to get your wife for her birthday? Just need some life advice? Write in to Sourpuss to hear his thoughts. Fair warning, he’s not a spoon-full-of-sugar kind of kitty. (Sorry in advance.)

Comment your questions or send us a message to see what Sourpuss might have to say, and keep up with all of the new pet-friendly content on the Bark Report, only on Chapelboro.com!

They’re calling me “Sourpuss,” which I don’t quite appreciate, but I’d rather be known by that than my actual name. Can’t have you lot coming to my house, after all.

So, we’re here. We finally made it. I’ve been convinced to answer some of the questions asked through various channels, taking valuable time out of my day. You know, it might not seem like cats do much in the daylight hours – but, believe it not, I’ve got a schedule to keep. So let’s make this quick. I’ve got a list of questions, so let’s talk about three of them.

Katie Fugett: How do I find a man to date that isn’t a tool?

Golly gee whiz, how did I know the conversation would immediately turn to romance? Somehow you all struggle with this so much. Look, it isn’t difficult. Either they’re worth your time or not. Brush up against enough legs, sleep in enough sunbeams, apply claws to enough drapes and you’ll eventually locate a suitable mate.

I suppose part of the problem is finding someone who appreciates you as much as you appreciate them? I mean, makes sense. I don’t get appreciated as much as I should in hardly any context, which is also why I don’t tend to stay in one place long. Either way, settling isn’t part of the deal. Everybody’s gotta put cards on the table and go all-in, and until you find the sort of tool that willing to go toe-to-toe and keep things fair and square, I’d suggest you keep rummaging through the hardware store.

[REDACTED] What is the longest it is allowed to be late to a friend dinner or drinks or lunch? 15 mins or 30?

Technically, as long as everyone is waiting on you, you’re not exactly “late.” To be tardy, the event in question would have to already have begun. Of course, chronic time management issues could potentially wear on your human companions, since most of you keep such diligent track of the minutes and hours in your day.

Nevertheless, normally I’d consider this a non-issue – but you’re unfortunately discussing food and drink. Not even the most flippant of feline would dare be late for something as important as a meal. So, with that in mind… I’d say that roughly ten minutes is acceptable, with anything past that meriting a muttered half-hearted apology.

Kelsi Cline: How do I teach my husband to put the toilet paper on the roll in the correct direction? Will he ever learn?

Don’t think I didn’t notice that you failed to specify exactly which toilet paper orientation you’d consider to be “correct.” If it’s anything other than “over,” I don’t know how much further we can take this conversation. Either way, one of you is wrong and I suggest you hash it out. I sincerely hope whichever one is incorrect does, in fact, learn from the experience.

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Dear Sourpuss: Tools, Tardiness and Toilet Paper

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