“Knock it off.”

We heard that phrase a lot when I was a kid. It was one of my parents’ greatest hits. If you’re “of a certain age” you remember these gems:

  • “Don’t make me come down there” (we were always playing in the basement)
  • I’ll stop this car;
  • Your (brother/sister) may have started it, but I’m going to finish it;
  • If you do that, you won’t sit down for a week;
  • Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about;
  • and my personal favorite… Don’t come out of your room until you have a smile on your face.

Here’s something to note among all of these… nothing positive. No concern for the kids’ point of view. My parents weren’t monsters. Their child rearing methods were very much typical for their generation. I am the third of four children. My older brother and sister are less than a year apart, so I’m effectively a middle child – the negotiator.

As I got older, I figured out ways to push back when I didn’t like a mandate from my parents. For those who know me, it’s easy to guess how I managed to persuade them. I used my sense of humor. The critical thing here is, I was able to appeal to their sense of humor.

I used my words.

That doesn’t make me a genius. This is just something I recognize across my lifetime of experience and taking the trouble to think through events in my life. How did that work out? Why did that happen?

The approach that my parents (and my friends’ parents) took was autocratic. Eat your peas, clean your plate, stop poking your brother. Direct commands. Exerting authority and sometimes physical enforcement.

I was in a restaurant with my mother (more than 35 years ago) and a young child nearby was having quite the meltdown. Screaming, crying, wiggling. My mother’s comment to me was that this kid needed a spanking. I thought this kid needed a change of venue… a few minutes outside to calm down and get some fresh air.

I could feel the generational shift. It seemed tectonic. I explained to her that my husband and I are gigantic, powerful figures to our young son. We have all the controls. We’re bigger and stronger than he is. We have every advantage in a dispute over candy, bedtime and who’s going to eat those peas or not get dessert.

To render these things to a physical battle would be unethical and completely unfair. How is the child going to learn how to resolve conflict if the biggest strongest person always prevails?

I have been privileged to observe another marvelous tectonic shift in supporting my son and daughter-in-law in raising their two sons. The power of simply asking for what you want and expect and actively teaching children the behaviors you want to see. Both kids use some basic sign language, so they’ve been communicating since before they could talk. It’s a miracle.

Ask your brother if you can play with his truck.
Say PLEASE.
Say THANK YOU
Say YOU’RE SORRY
It’s his turn to play with that. Your turn is next. (When you’re patient, it’s even more fun when it’s your turn)

My son and daughter-in-law are doing the things that most of their friends are doing in this regard. Of course I’m biased and think they’re exceptionally great about it, but the important thing is that this is a language for their generation. Their kids can talk about their feelings – I was scared, surprised, or just plain upset and they can talk through whatever happened.

These kids are only four and two years old, but I can clearly see that they are well rounded, compassionate, happy-go-lucky little people. They will be problem solvers. If I were a kid, I’d hope to have guys like these for my friends.

When they encounter a bully on the playground in the future, they will want to know why the bully is upset and pushing and shoving other kids. It’s my hope that we can all shift our weight a little bit and try to figure that out because if we can work it out on the playground, a lot of other stuff downstream will resolve itself.

jean bolducJean Bolduc is a freelance writer and the host of the Weekend Watercooler on 97.9 The Hill. She is the author of “African Americans of Durham & Orange Counties: An Oral History” (History Press, 2016) and has served on Orange County’s Human Relations Commission, The Alliance of AIDS Services-Carolina, the Orange County Housing Authority Board of Commissioners, and the Orange County Schools’ Equity Task Force. She was a featured columnist and reporter for the Chapel Hill Herald and the News & Observer.

Readers can reach Jean via email – jean@penandinc.com and via Twitter @JeanBolduc

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