If you’re anything at all like me, you’re probably sick of people who love to go on and on about their dogs and how much they love them, and how they’re the greatest, and bring them so much pleasure, and so forth, ad nauseam.
Anyway, I’ve got the greatest, pleasure-giving dogs in the world, and I love them and, and what’s more – they know it. How do they know it, you ask? Because I tell him every day, “you’re adorable you’re so smart, you’re the cat’s ass” and so on. That’s right, I talk to them, and I’m willing to bet you three drops of Advantage, yes $45, that 100% of people talk to them.
Now, probably three of you are saying this guy’s either strung out on nylon chew bones or unfamiliar with the Gregorian percentile system, because nothing is ever 100%. But I’m right about this, so very right that besides the three drops of flea repellent I’ll also let two Rottweilers bite my ear lobes and hang down on them for 52 minutes. I’m actually lying about that, but not the talking thing.
Eight of you were wondering where I found the temerity to make such an unbelievable pronouncement. Well, I’ll tell you. It came after more than a minute of reflection and solid research. What’s more, I’ve even thought about subcategories and even smaller categories of stuff. Hang on doubters, here’s how the figure of “100% of people talk to their dogs” breaks down.
43% of people carry on what I like to call a rhetorical relationship with their dogs. That is, they’ll ask them questions to which there is only one possible response. “Are you hungry? Do you want to go for a walk? Want a bone?” Now, has anyone ever heard of an animal that’s equivocated on their response to any of those questions? No!
22% of people are like me. We carry on fun conversations with our furry friends, ask them questions so they’ll tilt their heads in that adorable way, and only reprimand and lecture them when they’ve destroyed our Willie Mays rookie card, and so on. We tend to let them sleep on our beds and we comment that their teeth look terrible as we fold up their slimy lips to take a look. All the while we’re sure they’re digesting and processing every Bon Mot; probably they’re just waiting for that finger to get off their gums.
17% of people are seriously mentally disturbed regarding their dogs. These are people who have a well-known scientific disease called EAA. EAA stands for Expect An Answer, and this is what people with it do after saying something to their doggies. These people can be found on street corners or in the homes of Mayflower descendants. Basically, they’re the ones who don’t really draw much of a distinction between their Pooch and an aunt with too much facial hair.
11% of people have a dreadfully Advanced version of the EAA syndrome, which is technically known as DAVOEAA. that stands for Dreadfully Advanced Version of Expectant Answer. These are people who frequently have small dogs, which they either dress up in little tubular sweaters or in some way play with their natural animal appearance. They’ll put bows on their heads or paint their nails, transforming their dogs into bizarrely dressed toddlers. These dogs feet never touch the ground as they’re normally being cradled in their owners arms. Not only does a DAVOEE sufferer talk incessantly to their dog, but also frequently they have the annoying habit of speaking for them in the third person. “Caleb would you love it if you could turn the air conditioning up?” “Dixie was startled by a fire truck when she was a puppy so she’d appreciate if you don’t make any loud noises and take off any red clothes.”
Everyone knows it’s the DAVOEE who’s sweating and neurotic about the color red. so there’s the facts. I know I didn’t total up 100%, but I’m still right about it,. Anyway, I’ve got to go and have a discussion with Bob and Gina about what they want for lunch. I guess I don’t have to tell you, they’re not my children, but I might still end up expecting an answer.
Stephen Neigher is a screenwriter who worked in TV and film in Hollywood for more than twenty years, a retired professor of screenwriting at UNC Chapel Hill and is considered by many to be quite good looking.
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