If you can pause long enough from wondering how you can charge UNC $950 an hour for… anything, I would like to draw your attention south.

Unbeknownst to casual observers, the Triangle is about to become the Trapezium, which is a square drawn by your two year old.

Jim Goodnight, SAS founder and CEO and 85th richest man on the planet, wants to build a city the size of Chapel Hill a mule ride from downtown Pittsboro. When finished, the town that has an abandoned car dealership as its welcome mat will go from 3,800 people to 55,000 people.

We will be forced to draw a line from Raleigh to Durham to Chapel Hill to Chatham Park. Where are the cries from business leaders who will be forced to change their names and slogans to Trapezium This, or Trapezium That; or the outrage from people who can’t remember middle school geometry?

First let me say that I enjoy living in a cultural estuary like Chatham County, where you can shop for chainsaws and chai on the same street, and all talk of politics eventually employs an analogy of some type of insect infestation. It’s where Priuses and pick-ups park in the same gravel driveway. Where argyle meets Carhartt.

The low real estate taxes aren’t bad either.

Wait! Before you think, “Gosh, I’d like to live there,” or put us on one of those Best Places to Live in America lists (which, in three years, the ensuing flood of people puts it on the Most Sucky Places to Live in America), let me tell you why you should not come and ruin it.

We have snakes that live under your house, ticks that live in your pants, and coyotes that live to eat your dog. The woods get really, really dark. There’s not a movie theater or hotel bar in the entire county. You have to shop at Walmart for clothes. Our favorite roadside attraction is vultures picking at entrails.

Did that work? If so, please send this link to your friends in New Jersey before the realtors of West Cary, er, Chatham Park get to them first.

Which brings me back to the Trapezium. Here’s a win/win solution for the people who moved to Chatham County thinking it would remain idyllic and the billionaire who wants to move up in the rankings: move Chatham Park to Cary, where they already love all things tidy and manicured, and we can keep our snakes, ticks, and roadkill. No, it’s a win/win/win, because the Triangle could become a Rhombus instead of a Trapezium.

Isn’t that way cooler? The Rhombus Drive & Ulcer Airport. I like it.

Otherwise, say Goodnight, Chatham County!