“Viewpoints” is a place on Chapelboro where local people are encouraged to share their unique perspectives on issues affecting our community. If you’d like to contribute a column on an issue you’re concerned about, interesting happenings around town, reflections on local life — or anything else — send a submission to viewpoints@wchl.com.
Save Your Sympathy
A perspective from Christy Bailey
When it quietly became public knowledge that my kid was queer, people expressed their sympathy.
I said very little at the time. I was caught off guard, new to this parenting situation, and barely outside the world that thought of queerness in terms of regret and shame. I think I generally mumbled something about how my kid was the same kid they’d always known and loved, and then changed the subject.
At the core of me, I knew that I resented everything they were saying; I just couldn’t articulate why.
I can now.
I don’t need your sympathy.
Someone commented recently that finding out their child was gay was “like a death in the family.”
No. It’s not. But I guess if you feel that way, it follows that you would feel sorry for me.
Don’t.
I don’t want your sympathy; it’s offensive. It’s offensive to me because there’s nothing wrong with my child. They aren’t ill. They aren’t wounded. They aren’t even one single bit altered from who they were before you knew.
Your condolences are offensive to parents who have a child in the emergency room, in the hospital, in the unthinkable and unimaginable grave. Save your sympathy for the parents who are grieving a loss.
I’m not one of them.
I’m not grieving, and there’s no loss. There has been a bittersweet rearranging of some expectations, of some half-formed notions of the future, but who of us doesn’t have to reckon with such adjustments? It’s part of parenting, no matter who your child is.
My child is happy, healthy, and whole. I know this because we chat constantly, we joke, we touch base — because instead of losing them, we loved them.
We didn’t treat them like a lost family member, and we don’t need you to, either.
Believe me when I say, I don’t need your sympathy.
“Viewpoints” on Chapelboro is a recurring series of community-submitted opinion columns. All thoughts, ideas, opinions and expressions in this series are those of the author, and do not reflect the work or reporting of 97.9 The Hill and Chapelboro.com.
