I was out to dinner with my three kids the other evening. Seated a few tables away was a fellow dad and his youngsters. After their food was graciously placed before them, the dad grinned. “Now, eat like humans.” Apparently, this was a familiar line. I recognized the groan from his kids because mine have a similar reaction to my oft-repeated phrases.
But my mind went in a new direction: the alternatives of children eating like humans.
Your kids might scarf their food like dogs—face first, no hands. Alternatively, grabble their food like monkeys, feeling it out with their fingers.
Or nibble like rabbits before hopping away into the bushes. Perhaps they might be more like songbirds—a peck here, then take flight from the table.
Like squirrels, your kids might sneak one bite and then nervously bury the rest of their food. Or else, become like ants who carry their grub away.
They could be vultures, glowering at you from their perch across the table. Or, like cats, spend all their time preening while expecting you to wait on them hand and paw, er, foot.
Your kids could slurp like frogs, sticking their tongues out for a lick, or maybe, like butterflies and bees, suck juices through a straw. Like flies, they might spit on the food until it turned into a liquidy mush. They could stuff grub in their cheeks like a hamster.
Or, they could be like John Belushi in “Animal House,” blasting food out of their cheeks like popping a zit.
I might have imagined other examples, but my kids were wanting me to take them to the bathroom. As we left the table, I was just glad that all of my brood were house-trained.
Andrew Taylor-Troutman is the author of “Little Big Moments,” a collection of mini-essays about parenting, and “Tigers, Mice & Strawberries: Poems.” Both titles are available most anywhere books are sold online. Taylor-Troutman lives in Chapel Hill where he serves as pastor of Chapel in the Pines Presbyterian Church and occasionally stumbles upon the wondrous while in search of his next cup of coffee.
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