Confirm You Are Human (not Barbie)

The other day, I signed up for a free e-newsletter and received the usual email request for confirmation … except with a twist! Instead of asking me to prove that I am not a robot, this message wanted me to “confirm humanity.” This seemed like a weightier existential task that simply checking a box. Perhaps I’d had too much coffee.

I had also just seen the Barbie movie, and some questions weigh a little heavier after spending so much time in a world made entirely of plastic.

So, these questions are aimed at proving you are not a plastic doll version of Margot Robbie, Ryan Gosling, Kate McKinnon, Simu Liu or Michael Cera.

  1. You do not live in Barbie Land or any parallel dimension of time and space.
  2. You do not float down from the top floor of a building into your engineless convertible.
  3. You do recognize that the term “patriarchy” is about more than just horses.
  4. Helen Mirren does not interrupt your personal conversations with voiceovers.
  5. You were not delivered to someone’s home in a cardboard box.
  6. You do recognize that people are boxed in by gendered stereotypes and double-standards. Your head is not in the proverbial sand or bouncing off a plastic beach.
  7. You do not listen to the same Matchbox Twenty song for hours on end.
  8. You do not think that your world will always remain the same, perfect place in which every night is Pajama Party Night.
  9. You do feel moved to tears when encountering the suffering of someone else, including your fellow humans who are different from you.
  10. Will Ferrell does not chase you through office headquarters to a soundtrack of Charli XCX singing, “Put it into speed drive!” … Although it does confirm your humanity if you think that experience would be really cool!

Andrew Taylor-Troutman is the author of “Little Big Moments,” a collection of mini-essays about parenting, and “Tigers, Mice & Strawberries: Poems.” Both titles are available most anywhere books are sold online. Taylor-Troutman lives in Chapel Hill where he serves as pastor of Chapel in the Pines Presbyterian Church and occasionally stumbles upon the wondrous while in search of his next cup of coffee.

 

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