Good afternoon, Coach Williams, would you prefer the leather chair or the couch?
I understand you are having some problems with your team, shall we call it inconsistency or would you like a psychological diagnosis?
It seems to play very well at times, usually against better competition. Is that correct?
Let me tell you about it.
Please, go ahead.
We played Louisville, ranked No. 3 at the time, and ran them right off the reservation.
What reservation was it?
Somewhere in Connecticut where I shot craps the night before the game.
Did you win?
Yes, I just told you we won.
I meant at craps.
Can we move on?
Then we go to Birmingham and play a team coached by my old assistant, and we played like our players like the old assistant better than they like me.
How old is that assistant?
About half my age.
That’s probably why they like him better than you, ever think about that?
Tell me more.
The old assistant’s team killed us on the boards and now we have to go to Michigan State, the No. 1 team in the country and probably the BEST rebounding team, too.
So what happened?
We killed THEM on the boards and won by 14 points.
So what’s wrong with that?
Nothing. I actually felt pretty good that night. And for the next 10 days. Then we beat Kentucky, which WAS the No. 1 team before the season.
What happened to them?
They lost to Michigan State, which lost to us, and then they lost to Baylor, which we didn’t play, so they were ranked No. 10 when we played them.
I think I’m following this.
You are? I’m not.
Because four days later we got absolutely killed by Texas, missing 23 free throws.
Is that bad?
Well, not as bad as the 26 we missed against Belmont.
Don’t you practice shooting free throws?
That’s it. I’m outta of here.
Your time isn’t up yet.
Well, it should be because I’m about to freakin’ strangle you.
Now, calm down, Coach. Have you ever considered medication?
No, and I’ve never had a drink of alcohol or beer or wine, either.
Well, maybe that’s something you should consider – in moderation, of course.
I did have one sip of beer once, back in Spruce Pine.
So, tell me again why you are here.
I love Christmas, it’s my favorite holiday.
We barely beat Davidson, came back to win in overtime on a couple of homer calls – we were playing at home, and when you get a call that goes your way, it’s called a homer.
No, you don’t, because I let the guys go home for Christmas.
What was wrong with that?
I let them go home for too long.
When did they come back?
The night after Christmas.
Should they have come back sooner?
No, because I was with my kids and grandkids and who was going to run practice?
What about that old assistant coach?
After he beat you?
You just don’t get it.
So, really, why are you here?
We played our first ACC game Sunday night at Wake Forest; we made some shots and rebounded every one we missed. And they missed 14 free throws.
Sounds like you won.
No, we lost because we couldn’t put the ball in the dadgum basket.
Isn’t that the name of the game?
It’s supposed to be, but our two best shooters missed 13 times from outside.
Well, that must have made the other team happy.
Yes it did, and that fat guy in the gold shirt who was dancing in the aisle.
Was he a good dancer?
I’m better, but I only dance with Wanda and, for a minute, at Late Night.
What’s Late Night?
It’s our first practice at 7 o’clock.
Why is it called Late Night?
What the dickens does that matter?
Well, let’s move on.
I agree, gotta go to practice.
Will you practice shooting free throws?
Don’t need to. Only took 11 against Wake Forest.
Sounds like you’re cured.
We’ll see against Miami Wednesday night.
How many games have the four teams you lost to won?
What does that have to do with it?
The answer is 43. Where should I send the bill?
To a guy named Bubba. He’ll pay it. He likes me better than the old assistant.