This is a parenting page, about parenting Page. I am a child psychologist and a mother. So I specialize in children, yet I am human, thus I am full of knowledge and yet as full of emotions as any other parent. I decided to write this Parenting Page since it might be informative and funny for others to take an insider look at a child specialist raising her child. I also wanted to create a way to show Page when she grows up, if she chooses to have children, a real-life view of the experience. I hope you enjoy these stories and musings.
The kids all knew at the end of 5th grade there would be a unit on sex education. Their first-ever serious glance into s-e-x. Some knew a little about sex, others knew nothing. As the time approached for the unit to begin, I told Page one night I was going to tell her about sex in more detail than she and I had discussed before. She knew about ovaries and menstruation and such, and a little about the egg needing to be fertilized by sperm, but not much else. I thought she would like to be informed in advance and not be surprised in class. Well, I was wrong. She adamantly protested “NO!” saying she would learn about it at school. I asked if she wouldn’t rather be in-the-know in the classroom, as surely some kids would be. Still, N-O. So I let her alone to learn about the specifics at school.
Then the teachers started sending home questions for the parents to answer. Uh-oh. The first questions were easy, and included things such as, “Have you ever been treated differently because of your gender?” and “Do you think it is OK for a girl to ask a boy out.” I told my friends I was pretty sure I was a lamb being led to slaughter and these easy questions were just the tip of the iceberg. I was right! Later we were asked questions about how long people should date before they have sex and about how old one should be when they have sex, and basically about premarital sex. I can’t recall the exact questions, it was too traumatizing! I told my husband I wasn’t sure how to answer the questions honestly, and he assured me honesty was not the point and to just say people shouldn’t have sex until marriage. I protested that we had sex before marriage and did he think that was wrong, which he does not, but again he reminded me honesty was not the point. He suggested at Page’s age perhaps simple answers, dishonest as they may be, were better in his opinion, and I could explain the complexities of sex when she was older. That sounded reasonable to me.
Still, when answering Page I couldn’t quite bring myself to be that rigid. Not that I was honest, oh no, honesty I was pretty sure would get me in trouble! I had nightmares of being called into the principal’s office should I answer honestly. For example – Question: “What do you think of sex before marriage?” Answer: “I thought it was a ton of fun! Whoo-hoo!” See what I mean? I would surely get in trouble for pure, unadulterated honesty. Instead I gave a reasonable, tempered, albeit not wholly conservative ‘until-marriage’ response. I said waiting until at least college was a good age (when you are a ‘full-on’ adult Page understood that as), and knowing someone for quite a while before sex was good too since sex can have a lot of emotion involved.
(I left out that sometimes sex is also just a carnival ride. 🙂 See what I mean? I was on the verge of being kicked out of class had I said the truth and nothing but the truth!)
Despite my fears I passed the parent portion of sex ed and did not get myself in any trouble. Whew!
Dr. Tina Lepage is the owner of Lepage Associates Solution-Based Psychological & Psychiatric Services, a group practice with offices in S. Durham/RTP, Chapel Hill, and Raleigh. She lives in Chapel Hill with her husband, daughter, and two dogs. www.lepageassociates.com. You can find her on Twitter at @LepageAssoc or at Facebook.com/LepageAssociates.
I am concerned about the suggestion that parents lie to their children about sex. This does nothing to build a child’s trust in a parent — in fact, it destroys trust. Research shows that the children who are denied honest and open conversations about sex are at greater risk of teen pregnancy. There is no good reason to be coy about the profound power and pleasure of sex when a child asks about it — denying it makes the child feel ashamed or afraid and shuts the door to important future conversations. This doesn’t mean that a parent needs to share every detail with a 10 year old. Most 10 year olds wouldn’t want that kind of detail anyway. If you really believe that unmarried sex is ok, why would you set the stage for your child to feel ashamed or guilty when they do have sex without being married (which you know they will)? They will either reject you or have to suffer feelings of shame and guilt. Is that the choice you want to force your child to make? If you’re not ready to answer all of your child’s questions or you would rather wait until they are older to discuss it, just say that — don’t lie!
Also, let’s get rid of the term premarital sex. There’s a high likelihood that kids in the newer generations will not ever marry, so the term is irrelevant. And if you are interested in learning more about becoming an askable parent, check out the resources at shift nc.
Thanks for your comment Laura. I agree lieing to kids is not the best choice on just about every topic because keeping trust is important. This piece is meant to illustrate the humor of dealing with the topic of sex, and parents’ uncertainties about how to give honest answers at young ages without getting into detail the child is not ready for yet. You will note despite my husband suggesting I say to wait until marriage I did not do that, and gave my daughter an honest age-appropriate answer about being at a certain age/time of maturity and taking into account the emotional aspects of sex. I agree with you there should not be any shaming around sex. For a more serious, helpful-hints piece on talking to kids about sex, please go to our website Articles / Children & Parenting page and read the article on talking to children of all ages about sex.