The Birthday Gift

Editor’s Note:  This piece was submitted to Chapelboro.  The author wishes to remain anonymous.

 

Three days after my birthday I lost a dear friend. Not by tragedy, but by choice. Her choice. It hurt tremendously, but because she is someone I admire and whose opinion I trust, I decided to take a deeper look at myself so that I can be a better person and ultimately,  a better friend. Her words pained me, but after rereading her truth several times, I realized that I could help myself and help others by sharing my story.

I am a childhood sexual abuse survivor. Although I am a successful professional, have great friends and a family that I love, I struggle with memories from the past and often see how they affect my daily life. Most of the time I feel pretty great.  I love a variety of outdoor activities, enjoy humor, happily pour myself into my work, love UNC basketball and appreciate the beauty of the world around me. But, sometimes it is hard. Survivors carry a lot of shame and embarrassment and often feel that it is somehow their fault. The most important thing to remember is that it is not our fault and that we are loved for who we are. It is our job as survivors to make that our mantra and for our loved ones to believe it, too.

For a survivor, simple things like grocery shopping or meeting a friend for coffee, can feel like a tremendous effort or cause anxiety.  Survivors often believe that their presence bothers others or fear that trying something new and failing makes them a failure. Believing those lies, (ultimately created by their abuser), becomes toxic for the individual and for relationships with their loved ones.  We struggle with knowing when or how to share our stories in fear of being rejected, embarrassment and shamed. That is where we all have to work together. We must erase judgement, talk openly and be supportive listeners.

If you love a survivor, be patient. Trust that he/she is trying, wanting to trust you and wanting to feel safe and comfortable in your presence. Survivors often push people away, isolate or sabotage relationships to feel safe. Sometimes purposely, sometimes unintentionally, and sometimes the friend makes the decision to leave. Being alone is often hard enough for the average person, but negative feelings are intensified for the survivor. Please have patience, show kindness and know that the survivor truly does not want to be alone, but is struggling with balancing independence and allowing for vulnerability.

Like many survivors, I spent years searching for friends that I could categorize as “safe and good” and have been blessed with many wonderful people: friends from childhood, friends from college and friends I have made as an adult. I am lucky. The recent ‘break-up’ of my friendship was not the birthday present I would have ever chosen, but I can choose to take it as a gift of reality, self reflection and positive change. I know that I have work to do, but I am strong, am an advocate for others and am no longer ashamed.  Let us be kind, support each other and grow together in our understanding and prevention of childhood sexual abuse.

If you love a survivor, consider the following ways to support your friend/loved one:

• Be a good listener and remove judgement. It is ok to ask questions and to start the conversation.
• Be patient and show kindness. Know that not everyone is ready to talk. Spending time together is comforting regardless of whether there is a conversation.
• Encourage exercise and movement. Ask to go for a hike or for a walk together. Being outdoors and getting exercise is a great distraction when someone is having a hard day.
• Try not to compare him/her to others. Survivors do this to themselves already. Comparisons are more harmful than helpful. Remember that success is measured in many ways and a step forward, no matter how small is a celebration.
• Forgive, Forgive, Forgive.
• Know that the survivor does not want you to ‘fix’ how they feel. Instead, he/she wants companionship and to feel accepted and valued.
• Educate yourself. An excellent resource and the most enlightening book that I’ve read in my quest to better understand life as a survivor is An Unimaginable Truth by Erin Merryn. There are many helpful online and community resources as well.