I’ve been MIA for the last several weeks (months?), and I have only one word for y’all: Bunion.
It’s an ugly ridiculous word, and I hate saying it out loud. In fact, I don’t say it out loud if I can help it. Well, except for teasing the children by saying, in my best National Lampoon’s old lady voice, “I’ll give you a quarter if you rub my BUNION.” For some reason, this drives my husband crazy — and not in the ‘I love you so much’ way. More like the ‘I can’t believe I married this weirdo’ way.
I’ve been having trouble with the big toe on my right foot for a long while, but since it comes and goes, and I’m not a big fan of doctor’s appointments — and the internet is a crazy tangle of strange medical conditions written up in a way that seems to intentionally evoke fear, depression, and extreme disgust — I’ve mostly ignored it. Rest seems to help it, so whenever it’s become too excruciating, I take a break from whatever exercise seems to exacerbate it the most.
A few weeks ago, though, I had a particularly painful flare-up, and so I dove into the murky internet waters to try to fish out a cause (and more importantly, a solution). The search gods must have been smiling (more likely, snorting madly into their heavenly cups a’ joe), because I chose just the right phrasing for my search query. I ended on a page that described exactly what was going on with my toe.
Great! Only one little problem: They referred to my problem as a bunion. Bunions are for old ladies. I had never bothered, in my impressionable youth, to figure out exactly what a bunion was because I didn’t want to know the truth. In my mind, it had to be some alien-like growth that took over one’s foot once you hit the magical age of 79.
I’d like a cooler name for my toe. Something like, Toe that Took the Road Less Travelled, or Toe of a Different Bent. Bunion is musty and rhymes with onion.
The real issue, though, is that I have a race — a muddy, intense, insane race — in March, and I need to be ready. That’s hard to do with Toe of a Different Bent driving me insane. So, in order to get back on the right path, I have to wear a toe splint at night to straighten my toe (yes, I’m an individuality squashing fascist), wear roomy shoes (probably why I prefer to be barefoot), and ice my foot after working out.
Truth is, ‘bunion’ and ‘toe of a different bent’ sound funny, and the issue seems minor, but it’s actually very painful, and can cause issues farther up my leg (I already have a fair amount of knee pain from the compensating). So, I have to take Ol’ Wayward Toe seriously if I’m going to stay active and competitive.